Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
