Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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