The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
