It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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