happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
