i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
dude. I can hear the air.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
