just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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