Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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