In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
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