how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
