I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
