He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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