i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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