I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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