I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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