New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
