I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
