Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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