Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
