yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
