I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
