Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
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