omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
