We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
