Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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