I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
