I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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