Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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