Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
