so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
