I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
