Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
