Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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