you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
