Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
