Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
