just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
