oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Randomize
