At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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