sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
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