I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
