she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
