The maid of honor just puked.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
