I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
