sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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