I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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