Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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