Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize