seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
