Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
bring money and cleavage
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
