I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
