i wish my penis had a tongue
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We are all done wearing pants today
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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