I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
