Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize