Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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