Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
