Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
