Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
