someone threw a dead crab at me
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
We need a shit load of segways right now
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
My bed smells like the plague
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