I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
